We’ve winnowed the wheat from the chaff, it seems will soon let the chips fall where they lay. If you’ve come here for consistency, away with thee. I shall mix my metaphors as I see fit. With just less than one-third of the season ahead and two-thirds behind us, it’s almost time to say once and for all that this is now a two-horse race. It’s the bout to knock the other guy out. Let’s See Who’s Bad at the Etihad. And so on. What I’m getting at is that there is now an eleven-point gap between second and third place, and while similar gaps have been traversed, it’s looking less and less likely to happen here. Let’s be honest: there are only two clubs that have shown enough consistency and ruthlessness to be in the conversation. Still, I’ve committed to a template, so I must soldier on.
1. Arsenal (21W 3D 3L: 66 pts.)
Since losing at home to Man City just under a month ago, we’ve now rattled off five league wins on the bounce, none of them more convincing than Sunday’s evisceration of Fulham, who were supposed to be made of sterner stuff than this but who conceded three assists to Leandro Trossard (which, I’m told, translate to three goals conceded along the way). When I can get away with saying that a 0-3 halftime scoreline flatters our hosts, you know things were going our way. It could very well have been five or even six. It’s been a while since we’ve simply outclassed an opponent. Even if Fulham looked to be out to sea for most of this one, they’re a decent side with a chance at a European spot next season. To have carved them open six ways from Sunday sends a strong signal to the one side that can still overtake us. With Gabriel Jesus working his way back to match fitness after missing 12 matches, we’re gathering strength at just the right time.
2. Man City (19W 4D 4L: 61 pts.)
You would think that a squad that boasts of having the likes of Haaland, Foden, Mahrez, de Bruyne, Silva, Gundogan, and Grealish would simply obliterate squads with their fearsome firepower. You would be wrong. Instead, the Greatest Squad Completely Ethical Money Can Buy had to resort to Gundogan more-or-less convincingly bamboozling referee Robert Jones into awarding City a penalty. Whilte technically the correct call, it’s the kind of thing that makes me renew my objection to these pointless pens informally now and by affidavit later, time permitting. There really should be some kind of sliding scale for these situations, taking into account a squad’s salary compared to its opponent. In this case, Haaland should have had to take the pen from outside the 18 on a pop-up goal. My affidavit must be tied up in bureaucratic red-tape though. Man City march mirthlessly onward if not upward.
3. Man U (15W 5D 6L: 50 pts.)
Something shocking and even scandalous has happened at Old Trafford, and I’m sure that heads will roll on Monday. Not only did David Coote book Lisandro Martinez, he had the audacity to issue a straight red to Casemiro—just the second of the Brazilian’s otherwise paladin-like, pure as the driven snow career. Are you not outraged yet at this worst miscarriage of justice? Well, hold onto your hats, ladies and gentleman, for the catalogue of horrors is not complete until I add to it the horrifying—I’m almost afraid to give voice to it, it’s so awful—failure of Coote to award Rashford a pen after he was cruelly and savagely brought down in the box while the ball was entirely under his control as he was through on goal. There was so much contact that I”m surprised bones didn’t break. I’m sure that the good people will rise up against this injustice. One does not drop points at home to Southampton, after all.
4. Tottenham (15W 3D 9L: 48 pts.)
Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back to something remotely resembling relevance. Looks like 4th place is back on the menu, boys—and that’s a trophy worth winning given that Spurs crashed out of the FA Cup against a side known as [checks notes] Sheffield…United? Did I say that right? They also face the tricky task of trying to get past AC Milan after a scoreless first-leg draw at home were also bounced out of the Champions League 1-0 on aggregate. Domestically, Kane bravely took the pen that could have allowed Richarlison to break his duck because, after all, one’s pursuit of individual records is clearly more important than helping a teammate kick-start his campaign. Spurs bravely fought past a Forest side that’s won just once away from home all season, finding a zen-like balance between results that inspire Conte and Kane to leave in the summer and results that tempt them to stay.
5. Newcastle (11W 11D 4L: 44 pts.)
Okay. I admit that I owe Toon an apology. I had pencilled Liverpool in for fifth as I drafted this, thinking “who loses to Bournemouth? Nobody, that’s who” only for them to go ahead and do exactly that. Then, the Magpies shocked the world by scoring not one but two goals to defeat Wolves, the first time in nine matches and just the ninth time all season that they’ve score more than a single goal in a match. The win puts a dent in their daring attempt at finishing in the top four with more draws than wins. There are worse ways to make history, but I for the life of me can’t think of what they are. To be less wry, their defensive prowess is enough to keep them relevant; if they can manage to start scoring more than 1.48 goals for match, they might just be able to overtake Tottenham. They do have two matches in hand, after all. I’m not saying I want that to happen. I’m torn between wanting to see Tottenham implode and Newcastle not succeed
6. Liverpool (12W 6D 8L: 42 pts.)
Having won the first leg 9-0, Liverpool needed only to avoid an historic 10-0 collapse to advance to the round of 16, and—oh. I’m told that this doesn’t apply and
That’s where we’re going to have to call it. I can’t type all day, and I’m sure you’re reaching the limits of your willingness to read more folderol. Besides, if I go ahead and include Liverpool, I have to consider adding Brighton, just three points behind with two games in hand. I’m going to have to put my foot down. If something dramatic happens and one of these sides outside the top five find a way to start taking four or five points from each match, that might change the conversation. It’s us and Man City chasing the title with a pack of scavengers fighting for the scraps. I can live with that.