Tag Archives: Piers Morgan

Dear Piers Morgan, sod off (and take Ronaldo with you).

My dear friend and (dare I say it), colleague, for, after all, are not we not both wordsmiths, spinners of tales, like the bards of olde? (The extra e is to indicate “days of yore”.), Where was I? Ah, yes—some things that should not have been forgotten were lost. History became legend. Legend became myth. Pundit became, well, I’ll leave off for there and let imagination step in. In the wake of this juicy, splashy Ronaldo-spills-tea 16-part miniseries, I’ve used up my annual allotment of hyphens. Along the way, Piers, you seem to believe that you have become legend…in your own mind, at least, if not on Twitter. To be frank, I don’t really care one whit about Ronaldo making his case on your channel or program or station. You call yourself a Gooner, and I can’t abide that. 

I hope your feelings aren’t so tender as to have prevented you reading any further. As I’m sure you can see coming, there’s the all-too-predictable anti-Morgan screed based on The Mirror‘s atrocious rush to judgment of Arsenal fans in Copenhagen when we faced Galatasaray in the Champions League. Despite the details still being very murky, The Mirror, of which you were editor at the time, ran with a story that blamed riots on those traveling Arsenal fans, 35 of whom lost their season tickets, jobs, and homes. It turned out that many of them were either not involved at all or were defending themselves from the Galatasaray fans. Your meek, mealy-mouthed apology, relying heavily on passive voice, came eight years too late and did nothing to rectify the damage you’d done. 

That’s just the most-pertinent peccadillo on the minds of many actual Gooners—you know, the ones who actually understand football and support the club. There’s also the fake photos of British soliders abusing prisoners in Iraq, the tone-deaf headline “Achtung! Surrender – For You Fritz Ze Euro 96 Championship is Over!” before England lost to Germany at Euro 96. Oh, I almost forgot the encouragement or at least tolerance of phone-hacking of British politicians by Mirror journalists. In case that doesn’t cause you to recoil in remembrance of your own repugnance, I would be remiss to omit the hacking of a dead thirteen year old girl’s phone. That’s grisly, Piers.
Now, should you ever read this, I’m sure you’ll roll your eyes, scoff, and grumble that this is all old news. I’m going to type another sentence here to create space between that previous one and the follow-up. If you did any of that, it only proves how irredeemable you apparently are. These are at best the machinations of an amoral sociopath, a word that sounds worse than it is, but that’s different from saying it’s off-target.
By this point, my other objections (and those of most other Gooners) will sound trivial by comparison. You’ve been a relentlessly inconsistent critic of the club, of Wenger, of various players, of Arteta, and of other fans, to name just a few. I’ve seen teenagers on Twitter with greater consistency and clarity than you, Piers. Perhaps it’s just that you’re quite astute at reading the zeitgeist, of shifting your position to parrot the popular mood so as to curry favor with the madding crowd. Maybe that’s the wrong literay allusion, considering where this little missive started. Then again, maybe it’s quite apt: Thomas Gray’s “madding crowd” wanted to live simple lives, free from deceit, duplicity, or dishonesty. In other words, the very stuff you seem to traffic in.
I’d thank you, then, to leave off of your on-again, off-again “support” of this club. Most of us, if not all, are all too happy when a celebrity supports the club. It lends a veneer of, I don’t know, class? There are some dignitaries on the list: Mo Farah. Idris Elba. Matt Damon. Roger Daltrey. Spike Lee. Dido. Nick Hornby. Daisy Ridley. The list of course goes on, but I’m leaving you off of it, petty and spiteful though that may be. Your support, much like much of your news coverage, comes across as opportunistic and cynical rather than sincere or heartfelt.
Now that Arsenal are flying high, I’m sure you’re smugly tweeting about how you’ve supported Arteta all along and have trusted the process since the start. Frankly, I haven’t checked, so I don’t know. Maybe it’s unfair of me to cast unsupported allegations hither and yon without checking my sources. Maybe that’s more than a bit ironic, eh?

Look out, bloggers! Piers Morgan has a lot more free time!

Brace yourself, Gooners, for no longer is Piers Morgan bound by the strictures of his dayjob. Yep. It’s true. CNN has decided to pull the plug on his show, “Piers Morgan Live”, which may come as a surprise to the eight or nine people who still watch it. Those of us in America who follow the Arsenal may celebrate the potential departure of an illegal immigrant whose attitude towards has probably only irritated those who disagree with him and embarrassed those who agree. Those who follow the Arsenal across the pond may fret that the termination of show may see him return to England to resume his unaccuntably boorish behavior.

However, a more-chilling possibility arises. Without that precious show to keep him busy, will he take to the blogosphere to spew his half-formed, poorly-researched opinions on all things Arsenal? I already am, as are countless others. However, he has a platform that would become the immediate envy of all and sundry. Almost 4 million followers on twitter. Instant name-recognition. A British accent. The finances needed to attend matches on a regular basis. Unimpeachable knowledge of all things Arsenal.

Well, wait. That last one might need some vetting. Now, I’m not going to claim that I’d pass an “All Things Arsenal” quiz, but I at least have the good sense not to broadcast my ignorance too broadly. If I don’t know who a younger player is, I go to Jeorge Bird. I certainly don’t tweet something like the following about Serge Gnabry—and then follow it up with another tweet in which I claim that I always rated him. If I am going to be that foolish, I’m certainly going to let more than a week pass, especially if I’ve got those 4,000,000 followers keeping tabs on me.

In response to your own rhetorical question, Piers, no, it’s not because of the time in California that you don’t know who Gnabry is. You don’t know who Gnabry is because you’re at best a casual fan coasting on his fame to gild your opinions with legitimacy, while the rest of us schlep around caring and learning and, yeah, maybe suffering more than we should about the club. That’s probably the generous interpretation of your ignorance.

What are schmucks like me going to do if Piers does decide to start yet another Arsenal blog? He’ll suck all the air out of the blogosphere, the sheer depth and volume of his opinions suffocating the rest of us. I’m terrified, actually, that he’ll unleash the full scope of that ignorance on Arsenal, blindsiding us with bizarre proclamations, intellectual inconsistencies, hypocrisies, half-assed analysis…why, that’s my bit.

I can just see it now—a blog, entitled Piersenal.blogspot.com©, spewing headlines that fall into one two broad categories: “BOOOM!!! I told Wenger to sign that guy” or “Unbelievable. _______’s a waste of money. Wenger out!!!!” In either case, a fair amount of blithering, blathering, and babbling is sure to issue forth like half-eaten porridge from a toddler, only less coherently.

These are dark days, indeed, friends. Up until recently, we had only to worry about Piers mucking up debates over gun-control and illegal wire-tapping. Now, it looks he could get his grubby little hands on something much closer to home, something much more vital: our beloved Arsenal. To this point, we could content ourselves by mocking the occasional tweet. Now, however, he can bring the full weight of his reportage to bear on this club.

Even moreso than the average fan, his opinions yo-yo from “_________is complete shite. Sell him” to “always rated him. Legend!” with a dizzying quickness sharp enough to induce whiplash. That’s at 140 characters at a time. Now, with unfettered access to the web, without CNN holding him in check and with a free blogger account just a few keystrokes away, we’re through the looking-glass here, people.

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