What gives? For hours now, West Ham have been Europa Conference League champs. For days now, we’ve been told that there will be no news around Declan Rice until after the Hammers have finished their season. Well, their season ended Wednesday night. Here it is, Thursday morning, and there’s been absolutely zilch, nada, rien regarding Rice. What happened to Edu’s infamous BBQ? It’s stone cold.

The transfer window opens on Saturday, for crissakes. Back in the good ol’ days, this club used to get its transfer business done before the window even opened. How are we supposed to trust the “process”when Arteta and Edu have wasted days–DAYS, I tell you–dithering? If we haven’t signed Rice, Caicedo, Gundogan, Kane, Maddison, Bellingham,Tielemans, and Mount by noon GMT, we’ll know that this whole “process” is nothing but toxic optimism.

Mikel and Edu, if you’re reading this, I mock your value system. You also appear foolish to the eyes of others. What’s worse, past instances in which I professed to like you were fraudulent.

Let’s be real. Let’s get down to brass tacks. Sure, this supposed braintrust that expects us to “trust the process” has admittedly signed White and Jesus and Partey and Ødegaard and Zinchenko and Magalhães and Ramsdale and Kiwior and Trossard and Tomiyasu and Jorginho, but what have they done for this club lately? Would an XI composed of those eleven signings even compete for silverware or a top four spot? I fart in your general direction.

Where’s the ambition? Where’s the desire to commit more than 100 financial violations (alleged) in a campaign to win silverware that’s as pure as the driven snow? Well, okay, maybe not driven snow. Maybe more like extracted oil. Black gold. Texas tea. Something along those lines.

And, scene.

My point is this: anyone who’s getting their knickers in a twist at the notion that we haven’t signed anyone yet isn’t just chomping at the bit; they’ve swallowed it. Yes, there are rumours that Liverpool have signed Mac Allister and Real Madrid have signed Bellingham and Inter Miami have signed some bloke named Messi. Yes, Tottenham have finally ended their three-month search for a permanent manager. Sheikh Jassim has made his fifth and “final” bid to buy Man U. In the immortal-ish words of the American author Ernest Hemingway, never mistake motion for action.

In other words, just because things appear to happening doesn’t mean that things are actually happening. In the case of Declan Rice, we may have to wait until next week before any meaningful action occurs. Along similar lines, it’s entirely possible that our interest in Rice supersedes our interest in Caicedo, postponing any developments on our move for the Ecuadorian for the time being. Looking as far as (gasp) Saturday, we may have to wait until after the Champions League final before any meaningful action around Gündoğan.

A few last words, then, for those still patient enough (or bored enough) to still be reading: those first five paragraphs were a piss-take, a bit of parody on the insistence on immediate gratification and perpetual motion that the transfer window and social media monger (that’s the noun form, but I don’t want to get into what might be the verb form because it veers into some outdated mindsets that you would do well to avoid).

Enough. I retire. Let’s hope there’s news of a more meaningful variety in days to come…