Hey, Marmite Manager. Welcome to the Emirates.


Well, well, well. Look at what we have here—a chance to avenge a loss just three weeks later. Seanie, you self-proclaimed Marmite manager, your “new manager bounce” has lasted all of about 90 minutes before fading away. I have to admit, Mr. Dyche, that I’m full of mixed emotinos here. On one hand, it’s you I can’t stand. Let’s add in Maupay. Can’t stand ya. On the other hand, I like Everton. Well, “like” is too strong a word. Let’s say instead that I dislike you less than I dislike Liverpool. That makes us friends of a sort, I suppose. Having said all that, though, we have a score to settle with you, literally as well as figuratively.

We don’t take kindly to losing, and we know that it took an enormous effort on the part of your players, fueled by raucous fans at Goodison Park and allowed by our own meek display, to escape with all three points. We’re angry, Sean. We’re after something very large here, a chance at our first Prem title in 19 years. While I understand that you’re something similarly large at the other end of the table, avoiding Everton’s first relegation since 1951, I have no sympathy. We can’t afford to do anyone any favours, not when we have Man City breathing down our necks. I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but they have a player in Erling Haaland who’s scored ten more goals on his own than your entire squad combined. 

Scoring has been a season-long dilemma that predates your arrival, and it’s pernicious enough to make one wonder why Moshiri didn’t sanction a move for a goal-scoring forward after selling that Brazilian pigeon and knowing (as I hope he knows) that Calvert-Lewin is as about as durable as a wet Kleenex in a heavy rain. Perhaps anticipating your hire, he did bring in former Clarets such as Dwight McNeil and James Tarkowski, who combined neatly to score that one goal a few weeks back. Why though did he sign Neal effin’ Maupay? The guy’s scored 27 goals in 119 appearances, Sean. You had no input there, and you joined too late in January to demand any specific signings, but, as the old saying goes, you made your bed and now you must lie in it. 

And now, at a risk of stretching that old saying, it’s time to put you and your squad to bed. It’s nothing personal…except that it is, Sean. I’m a petty, spiteful man, Sean, and that’s me on a good day. I can’t stand your constant whingeing and whining, the constant put-upon persona that you project. Worse, I see Maupay and I fall for his sh*thousery. I hate myself for it, Sean, but I can’t resist either. He embodies a lot of what’s wrong at Everton right now, mate. He’s just not good enough and he mistakes motion for action. Simply getting under an opponent’s skin isn’t enough; one has to also deliver and produce and perform. He’s all friction and no function.

Having said all this, I have to cnnclude by conceding that we won’t be conceding anything on Wednesday. We have a chance to go five points clear with this game in hand, and we don’t plan on stumbling again. In fact, if anything, the fact that you lot bested us while Maupay also triggered us has likely snapped us out of a bit of an overconfident torpor in which we began to envision ourselves hoisting a trophy before we’ve earned it. In a way, we owe you a bit of gratitude. You’ll have to pardon me if I don’t say the following with much enthusiasm, though. Thanks for beating us. We’ll be sure to return the favor in short order.

To the rest of you, you Gooners, I’d like to invite to participate the “March Merch” raffle–top commenters will have their names entered in a raffle to win a £25 gift certificate to Arsenal Direct. Log in to Disqus using a Twitter, Facebook, or Google account and let the comments fly!

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