The secret to defeating Citeh…REVEALED!


It’s quite simple, really. It’s the kind of thing that’s so simple that no one’s bothered to think of it yet. It takes an uncommon mind to think of these things, and people are always telling me that they’ve never met anyone quite like me before, so I guess that’s the same as being uncommon. I was going to dive deep into regression analysis and statistical abnormalities and iterabilities and the rest, but I’ll spare you the jargon and mumbo-jumbo and cut right to the chase. To defeat a behemoth like Man City, it’s really quite simple, but first, I want to make sure that you are sitting, for the enormity of what you are about to read may shock and amaze you. Have you seated yourself? 

Here it is: we shall have to score more goals than they score during the time we have available to do so. It’s a truth so elementary that it’s eluded all those pointy-headed pundits with their fancy suits and “experience” and “salaries” who are more concerned with sounding and looking pretty than in cutting through the dross to get to what’s real. 

Okay, I can only keep up that little charade for so long. Match preview seem to consist of two varieties. First, there are those that only give the bare minimum such as kick-off time, probably lineups, last five or six meetings, and the referee. Second, there are those who purport to offer some kind of insider insight, some heretofore undiscovered secret strategy that only they have been clever enough to unlock and are foolish enough to release to the general public.

This is neither. Instead, this is a heartfelt plea to any Gooners who will be at the match on Wednesday to shout and chant and scream themselves hoarse, to make the Emirates a seething cauldron of noise right from the off. Bay like hounds, bellow and roar and stamp your feet. Deafen our foes and inspire our lads Make so much noise that they can physically feel the soundwaves pouring down on them as if they’re standing under a waterfall and the goalposts vibrate and thrum to the din you raise.

The squad needs you more than they’ve needed you all season. Having dropped points to Everton and Brentford, even with the assistance of the incompetence of these refs, has to have knocked them back. They will dial up their courage, sure, but they shall thrive on the adrenaline, the intensity, the hunger that each of you can summon. There may only be 57,000 of you in that stadium, but remember that each of you carries with you the hopes, dreams, and fears of million of other Gooners too poor, too distant, or both to lend their voices. Channel us. Draw from us the breath you need when you feel yours falter, and then shout and chant and scream more. Send your voices to the heavens that they may may come raining back down on our rivals and pummel them into submission.

Then, we can all join voices together to sing in celebration.

We’re all counting on you.

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