Signing the already-injured Källström: a cosmic theory posited

Upon learning that new signee Kim Källström injured his back at some point during Spartak’s tour of Abu Dhabi, the reactions were all too predictable, ranging from a dejected shrug of the shoulders to muttered curses and even the stray calls of “Wenger out!”

It was only after pondering the last dribbles of his fifth pint (or was it his sixth?) that long-time Gooner John Manning made a stunning discovery, the kind that threatened to upend the footballing world, not to mention the nature of space, time, and matter as well.

“He’s…a…new…signing…” muttered John Manning. “He’s injured?  Källström…is…injured…out six matches…” Others watched Manning, as he seemed to lose himself in thought. Just as their attention turned back to the wide-screen behind the bar, the sudden sound of shattering glass seized their attentions anew. Turning back to Manning, they were taken aback to see a man, once slumped dejectedly at the end of the bar, leaping up, disregarding the shards of glass that lay or the puddle of beer at his feet.

“Arsene’s unlocked it! He finally unlocked the secret!” raved Manning.

“What are you on about, mate?” asked a bemused Sally as she wiped down the bar. “‘Ave I given you one too many?”

“Ssh! Listen. I need a minute.” Manning rubbed his forehead, searching for the words. “This Källström guy, he’s injured, right?”

“Yeah, so what else is new? Sally retorted.

“So, he’ll miss a few matches, then, won’t he?”

“Pfft. A right genius, this one is, eh, Sal?” Darren snorted.

“Easy, Darren, dear. Give ‘im a minute,” said Sally, accustomed to defusing a scrum before it began.

“Right,” Manning continued. “It’s like this, see? He’s a new signing. He’s injured. When he comes back from injury—presto!—it’s exponential, this Källström guy.”

“Um, what? Fella, you really are arseholed.”

“Darren, just—just hear me out on this, okay? I think I’m onto something big here.”

“That’s what she said.”

“Classy, Sally. Seriously. Listen. Källström is a new Gunner. He’s injured, which makes him perfect for the squad. So, when he comes back, he’ll be a new signing who’s like a new signing. It’s, like, a new signing squared!”

“What the ‘ell are you talking about?” demanded Darren.

“Easy there, luv, give ‘im time.”

“Thanks, Sally. Hear me out here. This is big. I—”

“That’s what she—”

“That’s enough out of you, moppet. Listen, now. This is some kind of like, fusion energy we’re looking at. Arsene’s found a new player who’s injured, see, and when he comes back, right, he’s both a new signing and ‘like a new signing,’ dontcha see? He’s unleashing some new kind of cosmic force on the Prem! He’s the best of both worlds!”

“Riiiiiiight. Just like a shot of whiskey and a beer-chaser are the best—whoa.” Sally steadied herself by planting her palms to the bar. “Do you mean to tell me that this Kallstrom guy—”

“Källström. It’s Swedish, so you say it ‘SHALL-strum.’ See, the umlauts, they—”

“Shut it, Darren. ‘Round here, it ain’t Ca-Th-orla, it’s Ca-zzz-orla. Not OH-zeel. Ur-zel. So you can take your shall-strum and put it up yer bum. Call-strom. Say it with me. Callll—”

“You can cram it with walnuts, the both of ya. Mark my words. When this Källström finally gets to the pitch, he’s gonna help us lay waste to other teams. Have you seen his assists for Sweden? Have you? I’m telling you, this is some Stephen Hawkings level shite I’m trying to explain to you! You do know that the Nobel Prize is from Sweden, don’t you? Källström’s Swedish. All the pieces fit. Swedish. New signing returns from injury equals ‘like a new signing.’ Boom!”

With that final outburst, Manning slumped back down to the bar, apparently exhausted by the weight and depth of his intellectual discovery—that, or the half-dozen pints that had inspired the discovery in the first place.

Darren turned back to the telly and Sally poured him another pint.

Thanks to @arsenalcorner and @sallybroome for their participation in this little charade. If you’re the twittering type, give each of them a follow. ‘Til next time…

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6 thoughts on “Signing the already-injured Källström: a cosmic theory posited

  1. Anonymous

    I have read a Brief History of Time and was able to understand it better than this this post. Jon, I think the stress of realizing that Arsen not only wasted the entire transfer period, but then screwed up the one deal he made, has affected you more than you must realize.Hopefully for you and the rest of us, Arsenal can handle tomorrow's game easily and no one gets hurt. We now have six weeks of terror coming up with the only hope that Ramsey, Wilshire and other injured warriors can recover quickly and that Flamini, et al get back into it without rash tackles,Seriously, there must be an explanation for what has occurred but try as i might, nothing Arsene did in past three weeks makes sense. You had an injured Ramsey and yet you never tried too hard to immediately get a midfielder to replace him. You knew your striker was out for the season and never went for anyone. Let us ignore the Draxler nonsense, but, if you knew he was 20 years old and not fully developed or worth 37M, why not immediately make an offer and then go and get what you need elsewhere. If Schalke come back with a counter-offer, fine, if not go and find some journeymen strikers and mid-fielders and wait until summer to use all your money. Personally, I suspect the Board cannot be happy with this result, but have only themselves to blame for allowing him too much power and not having a personnel manager or, in US parlance a GM to handle the off-the-pitch details. AW seems unable to balance that many balls in the air

  2. Anonymous

    It is obvious that Wenger just wanted to deceive the Arsenal fan base. This guy was contacted as a last resort on the 30th while in Saudi Arabia, on the 31st, he signed after already informing Wenger of the back injury. What a scam! The idea was just to appease fans that a player had been signed if it is true that he came with the injury. If this is really case, i think Wenger should just leave. The fans must be tired of Wenger's frugality with money that is not his. Maybe he and the board know what they are up to, but i am not convinced that whatever they are doing is for the interest of the fans. Maybe this is why he is being offered a 24 million, 3yrs contract. Too bad.

  3. Anonymous

    Remember Wenger saying he has 30 years years as a coach.I have been watching soccer for 80 sorry 59years and I know that soccer is a simple game. You try to shoot and score asap .It's no use use passing the ball back and forth. Why not go direct.Fulham have Swansea who play like Arsenal. Don't be surprised Pulis plays anti soccer and scores the winner.Then Wenger better not CP aint playing football.He is playing to win. So if Palace hold for a draw,it is to be expected.

  4. Anonymous

    I occasionally go for fiction/satire and this one seems to have fallen flat, sad to say. I wanted to make light of the idea that we've signed someone, but he's injured, and his return to fitness will be hailed as being “like a new signing” as has been said when other players return (Diaby, for example). Ah, well. We have a match coming up, so here's hoping we can make mincemeat of CP while City and Chelsea draw, with each team seeing red a number of times along the way…


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