[parody] Arsenal sign Draxler, Benzema, Pogba, Rooney, Casillas, and everyone else linked to the club

LONDON—In a shock-move that just might add Arsenal to a list of clubs vying for the Prem title, manager Arsène Wenger stunned assembled reporters by announcing that the club had once again smashed its transfer-fee record, not once, not twice, but a whopping thirteen times. That’s not thirteen times £42m, the fee paid for midfielder Mesut Özil, but thirteen separate times as Arsenal have managed to sign just about every player linked with a move to the London club over the last few months.

Speaking to the press, Wenger suggested that “it was a little bit difficult to make all the, uh, necessary arrangements because you have all the three sides who have to agree, the club who wish to buy, the player, and the club he plays for at the moment. Are we pleased? Yes, each player bring a little bit of quality to the club.”

Of which players does he speak? First and foremost, perhaps the most-stunning swoop brings none other than Manchester United’s Wayne Rooney to London for a fee of £617m, a stunning number even in comparison to some of the fees commanded over the summer for the likes of Gareth Bale to Real Madrid, Neymar to Barcelona, and seven stiffs combined to Tottenham.

However, the news did not end there, as the signings continued—next was Karim Benzema for £471m. Then it was Paul Pogba for £523m. Papadopoulos for £381m. And on and on. Eventually, reporters gave up on trying to keep track of which players had been signed at what amounts and simply watched in slack-jawed amazement.

Seeing that there were no questions forthcoming, Wenger proceeded to interview himself.”Have I been active in the transfer market? Yes. Are we now contenders? Maybe. I don’t rule it out. We will have to see how these new players fit with Arsenal football, how they adjust.” He continued. “Will there be more signings? I don’t want to comment on speculation. You bring me wrong informations, I think I deserve a little bit more credit than this.”

Wenger went on to announce a total of 13 signings for a grand total of £5,460,000,000, eclipsing the club’s previous transfer fee-record of £42,000,000. By a factor of of 130. Seeing or hearing no questions from the press corps, Wenger continued the self-interview. “Have I gone a little bit overboard. I cannot disclose this information. Am I pleased at these new signings? I don’t know. It is too early for that.”

Finally, one reporter found his wits long enough to ask, “are you worried about where these new players will fit into the squad?” Wenger smirked and replied, “each of them brings exceptional quality, but we will have to wait and see.”

“Do these signings make us title contenders? I don’t know. I believe it is too early to talk of these things. First we must play Crystal Palace. Then we will see.”

At that, Wenger took the mic in his hand, said “Wenger out”, dropped the mic to the ground, and with arms outstretched departed the stage. Reporters glanced and gaped at each other. Within hours, The Sun, The Mirror, The Telegraph, and The Independent were running virtually the same headline: “Arsenal make signings, but are they contenders?”

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9 thoughts on “[parody] Arsenal sign Draxler, Benzema, Pogba, Rooney, Casillas, and everyone else linked to the club

  1. Anonymous

    Hahaha i laughed so hard while reading all this. Very nice piece. Especially loved the ending,not even signing the entire barcelona team will make us contenders in the eyes of the deluded media.

  2. Anonymous

    I hate it when everyone writes us off.. But can you blame them? Wenger acts like a cunt in the transfer market.. It sometimes seems like the management doesn't want the team to win.. They will try there best.. Sell the best players.. Not replace them with adequate ones.. Tire the entire team till they break down,, and then blame everybody else but themselves..

  3. Anonymous

    I love the players. They are very good and hard working.. But honestly we don't deserve to win.. The management has not put the required efforts to win the league. Kroenke and wenger have taken arsenal down from the best club to a mediocre one. Look at the man city and chelsea squad and there managers. And tell me that they aint better. Signing ozil was great news. But was it enough? All they do is.. Sell the players.. Don't pay the players well.. But pay the manager way more than he deserves.. Sell the tickets at insane prices.. And make a fool out of the loyal fans who want their club to win. Show them alittle hope and than thrash it.. Bloody whores

  4. Anonymous

    maybe the players deserve to win because they're busted their butts without relief, but the management/owners don't because they're not doing enough to support/rest those players. If we do win something, is there a way to keep the owners/management away from the celebration? if we don't actually sign anyone, it's wenger out.

  5. Anonymous

    JonThe sad part in all this is that, by being so frugal Arsenal lose out, not only this season (I predict they will not win any silverware for the nth year in a row) but they hurt themselves for next season, as well. Consider the Daxler saga: Here you have a player eager to come to the emirates and the opportunity presents itself for Wenger. No one else seems interested at this time, whether because of injury or because they are filling other needs. True the out-clause is expensive but might be negotiable. True he may not be a striker but everyone indicates AW wants to mold a new Henry out of this player. True he may be cup-tied, but we still have the FA and EPL to conclude. Finally, in my opinion, you have the opportunity to take a player now and begin training him into the Arsenal system so that by next season he is not “green” and will require five or six games to fully feel comfortable with those around him let alone not arriving so late that one or more early games are lost (look at what happened with the first AV match without Ozil). Added to that, lest I forget, we have the inevitable, i.e., MC, Chelsea and others will swarm over the same guy in the summer and outbid penny-pinching Arsenal.Meantime, of course, there are other holes to be filled: Wilshire is hurt, Ramsey is out for another six weeks or so. Flamini managed to create another opening. Giroud, Per, Ozil are wearing down. Sagna may already have his mind on greenr pastures and paydays. Have any of these issues been addressed?But, AW has signed up for another few years. The profits roll in (of course, especially if you spend little or nothing). What the Board, that seesm to have been willing to pay 37M for Daxler but allowed AW to veto it, has failed to recognize is that there is still a strong chance Arsenal may not finish high enough to qualify for the CL next year (still a strong possiblity if you look at the table and then umber of matches left, let alone with whom all of them play) thereby costing millions and the draw for many top-ranked players. What then?

  6. Anonymous

    Oh the players more than deserve to win it..the management on the other hand dont deserve the quarterly profits and end of year bonuses

  7. Anonymous

    Just to “lighten the mood” for those in the UK (or maybe not) on this disheartening day, I offer you this (albeit slightly off-topic) sent to me by a non-Arsenal fan and friend in the UKBilly was at school this morning in the English countryside and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came out, fireman, policeman, salesman, chippy, captain of industry etc., but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.”My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes if the offer is really good, he'll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him.”The teacher quickly set the other children some work and took little Billy aside to ask him if that was really true.”No” said Billy, “He plays cricket for England, but I was just too embarrassed to say.”

  8. Anonymous

    haha! I've heard a variation on that that has the boy ends by saying that his da plays for Tottenham.As to your earlier post, it seems that AW overlooks or derides the idea of spending money to make money. A stronger squad would win Prem championships and progress further in the UCl, each of which lead to bigger payouts, not to mention command even-larger endorsement deals. How much might Puma had paid if we were the defending Prem champs, or if it looked like we were legitimate contenders in the UCL, for example? Well, there are still about four hours left before the transfer window shuts…maybe we'll get a chance to eat these words…

  9. Anonymous

    …….at best 31 year old Kim Kallstrom on a loan. WOW! I can barely withold my excitement. Somehow I expected more, whether Daxler or one of the others rumored under consideration. Every pundit in England, for what it is worth, seems to have felt they needed another striker to provide back-up for Giroud, except, of course, the enigmatic Arsene Wenger, who always wants you to believe he is so much wiser than the rest. If the season ends with no silverware and (perish the thought0 no CL for next year, the fans will be asking the Board to shred the new contract. Hmmmm…… maybe they should have waited until after transfer window closed before signing him for another period of time.


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