Banana-Fan Found and Charged


Thomas Flint will appear in Highbury Corner Magistrates Court to answer charges of throwing a missile–a banana–on the field during the Spurs-Arsenal match on March 3rd. While it’s still too early to condemn the man, I do hope, should the evidence and testimony be clear enough, that Mr. Flint not only be banned from all Arsenal matches in the future, but he should also be forced to eat nothing but bananas for a week while wearing naught but a garbage bag around his waist so that he will have to swim in his own defecations until he is deemed fit to re-enter society.
Of course, after that, Mr. Enfield, should he be convicted–aside from the standard bans, fines, and what-have you–will have to draw from a hat in order to select his new team of choice to replace Arsenal. There will be five slips of paper, all bearing the name of Carshalton Athletic, currently in last place in the Ryman Isthmian League. Should the good people of Carshalton Athletic deem Mr. Enfield unworthy of their club’s tradition, he shall henceforth be sentenced to having Bale’s mug tattooed on his own forehead.

I kid. Let’s wait for the actual trial. If it turns out that Enfield did in fact throw a banana, and he did in fact use  “threatening, abusive, or insulting words”, he shall be shunned and mocked for being a former Gooner (in addition to the actual penalties). Of course, if it turns out that Enfield had simply brought a banana to fortify himself with potassium only to see a fellow fan inadvertently slap it out of his hands while initiating The Wave, I will cheerfully apologize. We shall just have to wait until the Court delivers its decision, I suppose.

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