So it seems that an Arsenal fan threw a banana at Gareth Bale during the 26th minute of Sunday’s match. Why? To mock Bale’s looks? Talk about pointless and stupid, not to mention dangerous. Who might slip on that and tear a ligament or go cleats-up on some one else’s knee? Long shots, admittedly, but still. Moron. There are three areas to me that are pointless to criticize–age, height, and looks. We don’t control them, so we can’t brag about them and shouldn’t mock them in others. Yeah, yeah, makeup, exercise, fashion sense can alter looks. Just–don’t distract me here. I have a point to make. Taunt a guy for mistakes, bad plays, bad decisions, and other elements that he can control.

I’m not get all high-minded on this and insist that we should be as pure as the driven snow or act like chivalrous knights all day long, nor will I claim that “we’re Arsenal, may I remind you, and such wanton acts of impropriety shall only besmirch our reputation and sully our dignity.” Bollocks, that (did I say that right?). Instead, I’ll appeal to the idjit who planned so far ahead as to actually bring a banana with him: I’m pretty sure that, by this point, Bale has heard it all about his looks. What’s more, he probably long ago decided to use the taunts and jeers as motivation–as have his teammates. If you thought he was going to see that banana and crumple to the ground as the enormity of this epiphany came crashing down on him, you’re even stupider than you look (does that count as hypocrisy on my part? I only meant to mock your intelligence; I have no idea how you actually look). Back to business. If anything, if Bale even saw that banana, it probably stoked his competitive fire. He did score ten minutes later, not that this proves me right.

I hope you’re banned. I hope you’re forced to eat nothing but bananas for a week while you wear a garbage  bag tied around your waste so you can wallow in your own feces. There. I said it.

Look, I know it hardly lives up to the gravity of racists throwing bananas at black players, but the parallel is painful enough. It’s pathetic–had we signed Bale a few years back, this same fan would probably punch someone who mocked Bale.  As strongly as I’ll maintain that we have in fact evolved from other primates, this one Gooner goon has shown that some of us have made more progress than others in that direction. Ironically,  this fan’s actions suggest a certain proto-human identity; Bale’s looks have absolutely nothing to do with the issue.